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AP- 7-28-19 Pittsburgh:


the Pirates today announced that in an effort to reconnect with it's fan base and promote a more positive attitude within the organization they will implement the following measures for the foreseeable future. The important part of this announcement was the resigning of Hurdle through 2061. This will mark the 10th time in a row they have mistakenly thought hurdle was a head coach in MLB. This signing as well was in cooperation with the agreement of the moving date of Halloween which will benefit all in disguise for that day including Hurdle. Part number two of this announcement should make all visitors of PNC park very happy. The scoreboard from now on will read for innings one and two a total of 3 runs for each of those innings on the visitor side. MLB and the other teams came to this agreement when they realized it may have been much higher. The 3 runs was a welcomed sight by the Pirates who usually give up way more than that at home in those innings. The fans polled by the AP were in favor of this ruling. Furthermore all utility players for the Pirates will pitch at least one inning per game after the third inning, and no relief pitchers will be held on the roster in the future. The players acknowledge this fact that even their relief pitchers can not get out of the fourth inning without legendary numbers of runs. And no utility player will pitch more than 50 pitches in an inning. MLB wanted that number to be much higher but the collective bargaining agreement stated that 50 was the ceiling. Comments from the players were optimistic and they seem to be heading in the right direction even though they are out of the play offs for a record number of years again, and no closer to winning their division.
On a brighter note, for every game they give up double digit runs, the Pirates in cooperation with MLB and also Depends undergarments will give out free tickets to a home game for anyone 150 years and under the day after. First come first served. Additionally when the Pirates hold an opponent to any total under 9 runs in a game, they will be handing out 50/50 tickets to all fans under 150 years old to try and win the "Hurdle sweeps stakes bobble head doll" of their choosing. Three models to choose from, first is the Hurdle face palm, a fan favorite (limited supply) #2 the Hurdle slumped over the dug out (limited supply) and lastly the Sleeping hurdle bobble head, that has unlimited production due to overwhelming demands. So make sure after a total collapse by the pirates and they surrender any total less than 9 in a game, make sure you sign up to get your limited edition Hurdle bobble heads. In closing, before every game down by the river, you can get your feet washed by your favorite player. Yes, you read that right, before every home game you can line up by the river and actually get your feet washed by any of your favorite players for free. In an effort to reconnect with the fan base, players will wash your feet for free, they supply the soap, I mean its the least they can do for the fans because they surely can not win for them......
 

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If the Pirates and the Phillies merged teams and then FIRED everyone then they could rebuild a team in Harrisburg. Name it the Half-Way Home Team or Half-AsXXd Home Team or something.
 
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