♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?:
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, ďHere, fill this out?Ē
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. Iím pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and Iím worried about the 175 pounds Iíve gained since then.
♦ Dennyís has a slogan, ďIf itís your birthday, the meal is on us.Ē If youíre in Dennyís and itís your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. Iím pretty sure sheís going to get me something.
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.