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post #1 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-15-2015, 04:17 PM Thread Starter
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Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

Thought I'd give ya'll a preview of something I wrote for a hunting blog. Hope you enjoy:

We all seem to know a hunter, typically an older gentleman, who walks into the woods wearing blue jeans and walks out two hours later with a big buck. He does this year after year, no matter the conditions. And then there's his opposite: the guy who spends thousands on gear but refuses to leave the house when it's raining or too cold. He puts all is trust in pricey scent control products, believing himself to now be immune to the perfect sensory apparatus of a deer's nose. When he happens to luck out on a big buck he sends a group text to 40 people with the words "too easy". And when he doesn't get a deer, he complains that there aren't enough hunters in the woods 'moving them around'.

1. That Guy

This is the guy we talked about in the intro. He thinks that Under Armour is the key to any successful hunt. He also shows up to camp with a new rifle every year chambered in the fastest and trendiest round commercially available. He punches holes in the bullseye all day long from a lead sled and calls himself a deadeye. Don't be That Guy.

2. Business Casual

He's a bit lazy, a bit out of practice, but he hasn't forgotten how to hunt. He just doesn't get out of the city enough. When he's in the woods he's quiet, respectful, sometimes deadly-yet he doesn't particularly care whether he gets a deer or not. He's simply there not to disappoint dad. He gives That Guy the evil eye in camp.

3. The Sorcerer's Apprentice

This type is almost always a younger person with an impressive resume for his age. His teenage years were spent apprenticed to a Jackal or Warlock (see below) and the only thing holding him back is that twinge of impatience that sometimes gets the best of him. What really sets him apart from other hunters his age is his desire to become a better hunter with each outing (hence the impatience). Nevertheless, all the essential tools are there for him to reach the next stage and that little bit of impatience will fade with time.

4. The Jackal

Jackals, like coyotes and foxes, often figure as tricksters and pranksters in world mythology. And this kind of hunter is just that: he's brilliant but sometimes his cleverness and skill leave him apathetic so he tries ever more unusual and daring tactics that don't always pay off. You're surprised when he returns to camp empty handed, but you also note the enigmatic grin he's wearing. It means he passed on several deer that everybody else in camp would have shot.

5. The Warlock

What can we say about this guy? He's so skillful that a band of Neanderthals would adopt him. When he walks into the woods it's like watching one of the baseball players from Field of Dreams disappear into the cornstalks. He has a no detectable body odor because he lets the weather dictate all of his actions. He's a light breeze if the breeze could carry a .30/06. He knows more than a deer biologist yet he probably couldn't give you the name of the scent gland on top of the deer's head. Like I said, blue jeans are sufficient combined with a rain poncho over a knit sweater. The biggest deer on the mountain is his for the taking. Sadly, his kind seems to be on the way out.

Non est inquirendum, unde venit venison.
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post #2 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-15-2015, 04:43 PM
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Re: The Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

The rainmaker

The guy who buys 3 boxes of shells before each season, and fires three in the general direction of a paper plate the evening before the season. Hits the woods early AM with a roll of toilet paper, 57 cartridges and smell of bacon grease on him. He parks in his stand and if anything brown comes past at any speed or range, preloaded magazines for the pump start hitting the ground. If he does manage to hit a deer and retrieves it, there is no more than 7 lb of usable meat for the grinder. Normally he is out of ammo and in the diner by 11:30.

Dr. Who

His rifle is sighted dead on at 100, the property he has hunted for 20 years is wooded, hilly and 1200' deep. Yet by manipulation of space and time, he has never taken a deer at less than 500 yards.

The magazine ad

If it was featured in Guns and Ammo of on the front page of the Cabelas catalog, he owns it, and it is better than yours. His pillar bedded XXX magnum in the tactical sniper stock with match trigger adjustable cheek piece topped with a scope that cost more than your car is what you NEED to take white tail at the PA average of 35 yards. Says so on page 23. His top rated gear is entirely made out of man made, high tech, microfleece, anti microbial materials that are scent controlling-wicking-cooling-warming-breathing and are the best thing for the serious deer hunter, pages 46, 92, 205.

Every day you see it on the news. Another felons life needlessly spared by inaccurate fire.

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post #3 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-15-2015, 04:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

Quote:
Originally Posted by Varmintmist
6. The rainmaker

The guy who buys 3 boxes of shells before each season, and fires three in the general direction of a paper plate the evening before the season. Hits the woods early AM with a roll of toilet paper, 57 cartridges and smell of bacon grease on him. He parks in his stand and if anything brown comes past at any speed or range, preloaded magazines for the pump start hitting the ground. If he does manage to hit a deer and retrieves it, there is no more than 7 lb of usable meat for the grinder. Normally he is out of ammo and in the diner by 11:30.
Hahaha. I forgot him!

Non est inquirendum, unde venit venison.
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post #4 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-15-2015, 09:48 PM
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Re: The Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

Dont forget the <span style="font-size: 17pt">Magnum</span> hunter, whose thinking about trading that 45/70 smokeless in on a .50BMG because he doesnt believe there could possibly be a gun that's too much for whitetails.

.
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post #5 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 03:06 AM
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Re: The Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

Call him,

Magnum PI.

Every day you see it on the news. Another felons life needlessly spared by inaccurate fire.

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post #6 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 03:17 AM
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Re: The Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

Thought of a couple more

The scientist

Does ok. Doesnt really care if there are antlers or not. He gets wound up by being able to to use a different reload to take a deer to compare terminal ballistics from the last 10 deer taken. Never goes to the stand without a camera.

Similar, to the scientist is;

The Divorcee

Hasnt hunted with the same firearm or bow in years. After taking a deer, he gets bored and moves on to the next thing that pulls his heart strings. She might not be the prettiest lady or the youngest but she can make him happy, for a while.

Every day you see it on the news. Another felons life needlessly spared by inaccurate fire.

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post #7 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 11:32 AM
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Re: The Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

Odd topic in my opinion.....seems like finger pointing and passing judgement on folks who may be just trying to do their best to hunt and be a hunter......none of us is perfect in every endeavor.....just a thought.
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post #8 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 01:18 PM
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Re: The Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heit
Odd topic in my opinion.....seems like finger pointing and passing judgement on folks who may be just trying to do their best to hunt and be a hunter......none of us is perfect in every endeavor.....just a thought.
Leaves me wondering how posters would classify themselves.

Steve.

"When you put a buck on your wall, it links you to those guys who painted the walls of caves." --Me.
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post #9 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 01:26 PM
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Re: The Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

"What can we say about this guy? He's so skillful that a band of Neanderthals would adopt him."

Great Line! LMAO
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post #10 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 01:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Five Kinds of Deer Hunters

Quote:
Originally Posted by Everyday Hunter
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heit
Odd topic in my opinion.....seems like finger pointing and passing judgement on folks who may be just trying to do their best to hunt and be a hunter......none of us is perfect in every endeavor.....just a thought.
Leaves me wondering how posters would classify themselves.

Steve.
Steve, I'd classify myself as a mediocre hunter who takes hunting much more seriously than I do myself. But if we can't make fun of ourselves and other people what is the point? If we can't judge people by what they do two things happen: one, wrong or right, everything is permitted; and two, the laughter gets sucked out of the world. Humor lets you pass judgement on people without actually judging them and that's why it's enjoyable-even for those being made fun of. No real individual is being made fun of here. Come on, who doesn't know a Scientist according to Varmintist's definition? And god bless him too.

Non est inquirendum, unde venit venison.
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