Five Kinds of Deer Hunters
Thought I'd give ya'll a preview of something I wrote for a hunting blog. Hope you enjoy:
We all seem to know a hunter, typically an older gentleman, who walks into the woods wearing blue jeans and walks out two hours later with a big buck. He does this year after year, no matter the conditions. And then there's his opposite: the guy who spends thousands on gear but refuses to leave the house when it's raining or too cold. He puts all is trust in pricey scent control products, believing himself to now be immune to the perfect sensory apparatus of a deer's nose. When he happens to luck out on a big buck he sends a group text to 40 people with the words "too easy". And when he doesn't get a deer, he complains that there aren't enough hunters in the woods 'moving them around'.
1. That Guy
This is the guy we talked about in the intro. He thinks that Under Armour is the key to any successful hunt. He also shows up to camp with a new rifle every year chambered in the fastest and trendiest round commercially available. He punches holes in the bullseye all day long from a lead sled and calls himself a deadeye. Don't be That Guy.
2. Business Casual
He's a bit lazy, a bit out of practice, but he hasn't forgotten how to hunt. He just doesn't get out of the city enough. When he's in the woods he's quiet, respectful, sometimes deadly-yet he doesn't particularly care whether he gets a deer or not. He's simply there not to disappoint dad. He gives That Guy the evil eye in camp.
3. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
This type is almost always a younger person with an impressive resume for his age. His teenage years were spent apprenticed to a Jackal or Warlock (see below) and the only thing holding him back is that twinge of impatience that sometimes gets the best of him. What really sets him apart from other hunters his age is his desire to become a better hunter with each outing (hence the impatience). Nevertheless, all the essential tools are there for him to reach the next stage and that little bit of impatience will fade with time.
4. The Jackal
Jackals, like coyotes and foxes, often figure as tricksters and pranksters in world mythology. And this kind of hunter is just that: he's brilliant but sometimes his cleverness and skill leave him apathetic so he tries ever more unusual and daring tactics that don't always pay off. You're surprised when he returns to camp empty handed, but you also note the enigmatic grin he's wearing. It means he passed on several deer that everybody else in camp would have shot.
5. The Warlock
What can we say about this guy? He's so skillful that a band of Neanderthals would adopt him. When he walks into the woods it's like watching one of the baseball players from Field of Dreams disappear into the cornstalks. He has a no detectable body odor because he lets the weather dictate all of his actions. He's a light breeze if the breeze could carry a .30/06. He knows more than a deer biologist yet he probably couldn't give you the name of the scent gland on top of the deer's head. Like I said, blue jeans are sufficient combined with a rain poncho over a knit sweater. The biggest deer on the mountain is his for the taking. Sadly, his kind seems to be on the way out.
Non est inquirendum, unde venit venison.